I'm like cupid
You're a whore with a bow and arrow
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
Guy next to me is looking up how to press his own ecstasy pills. I'm going to befriend him and see where this goes
Like. I probably should fuck him. I owe him for breaking his thumb.
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
Clearly it doesn't get better with age. Just more sexual
My class coordinator for bio told us that the only thing we should do the night before an exam is to get laid. And then party down after the exam. I like him.
I immediately regret the tequila decision.
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
I found it. now I'm going to the gym to be "healthy" or whatever that folklore is called.
I dunno that I'd be trusting enough of junkyard tequila to drink it.
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
Well hell, he's gotta sleep in the bed he's made. Multiple times. For multiple girls I'm sure.
Randomize
