if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
I'm on a mission to free the leash kids. Like liberating the Israelites from Egypt. Only better.
I drank 13 shots. Which is unlucky. Which is why i threw up.
you threw up because you drank 13 SHOTS
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
honestly I asked the same thing when we had our slip n slide and margarita party
We're sitting in his room writing songs about America. There's a verse about a dead dog. There's tequila everywhere.
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
Can we make a pact that if we're 40 and still sluts that aren't married we can get civil unioned the fuck up and raise an asian baby as our own?
This Halloween will be different. I'm just here to get shitfaced, not troll around looking for slutty nun pussy.
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
I woke up the other day with my Google browser open to "DIY lip injections"... I also just received a vial of hyaluronic acid and a package of TB syringes from amazon. I'm down.
I will have no part of this.
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
What happens if you die with an erection? Does it stay hard? Disclaimer: I'm high.
Etiquette question... How do you tell your mother that her nipple is out in her fb profile picture?
Randomize
