You know I'm really starting to enjoy being everyones first gay experience
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
I learned an important lesson this weekend.... I'm way to good at sex to travel for it. From now on he drives here...
and then we had to stop you from trying to pour shots through your nose with the neti pot.
it's official, i've been high in 26 different states, and three different countries.
i'm on the subway and being revisted by the ghosts of tequilas past.
Thursday nights need to stop happening to me.
That's the last time I do shots near a campfire.
They tried to convince me I broke Alex's nose. Also they stranded me on the roof.
That's what they get for locking a drunk laxer in Mitch's car.
I woke up to a 3rd person picture of my own dick sent from a 1-800 number..
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
All i hear is "BITCH BETTER HAVE MY HONEY" and i turn around and there is a dude in a bear costume. It was fur real.
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
He was asleep with his head on a windowsill and you were petting his head, then you almost left the kitchen and then went back to pet him some more.
Your participation in the democratic process makes me horny AF
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