Emee failed...She used my genitals as a tampon
you should just get pregnant. that way you don't need to decide on a career.
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
Almost propositioned sex in exchange for a study guide for my final tomorrow.
She kept sniffing my sweater and tried to guess what type of detergent I use.
He's single. I'm single. We should rekindle our eighth grade romance over a box of wine and carefree sex.
How do you explain to a guy that he's like a little puppy dog that you play with, but then leave at the shelter to go home to your German Shepard?
In honor of today being Sunday I am day drinking and watching Grey's Anatomy all day. ALL DAY.
Kellie accidentally ran into the car with two teenagers making out. made a big thud. there was a loud scream and she was gone...haven't seen her since
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
We fucked to Bonnie Tyler in my car. He's the one.
Nah leave him alone, he is at the strip club with his mom.
Its like a glacier coming out of my asshole.
Randomize
