ok think of it like jelly beans. if you can learn to like the licorice ones, youll always have lots of them because no one else wants them. its the same with fat chicks
I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
He makes me wish my vagina was bigger... This must be what love feels like.
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
The fact that he just came out makes his Lent commitment to give up gay sex so much more meaningful now.
I'm back here naked if anyones wondering
We left the knife in your bed.
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
I just tried to get a motorcycle cop to give me a ride....he told me not to ask strangers for rides
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
DICK-CITY HERE WE COME
I would let him fuck me right here in this laundromat. Praise Satan.
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