i just spent the last half hour thinking about my totally irrational and intense hatred of wedge flip flops.
...just for future reference, one Four Loko can fits PERFECTLY in a venti iced coffee cup from Starbucks
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
He got me coffee AND filled up my gas tank. He must've fucked another girl in my car..
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
Duuuude - Drag Queen Bingo wasn't supposed to end like thissss
how did you know i stayed over last night?
there was a trail of glow sticks and cheetos from the front door all the way to his bedroom
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
Well anyways I still cant believe I don't remember such a monumental day in history as you showing me your boobs... Jesus
Cheese, the small of a woman's back, the universe, mountains, vampiric demons, sleep, and dreams.
He told us a story about a time his 80 year old uncle karate chopped a dick in a glory hole.
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
Then it hit me - his penis wasn't a shiny new toy anymore and I wanted a new one.
Randomize
