im drinking this country out of the recession.
someone get that fucking seahorse.
Ketchup is God's man juice
He had in his status he loved beating off and tagged his wife. another reason facebook should be for college.
My tits are coming out a minimum of ten times
I'm just saying, asking "Are you happy with me?" during a handjob is simply unfair and scientifically inadmissiable.
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
My life is sponsored by tidy cat kitty litter, Bacardi rum, and plan b.
I think we need to dedicate ourselves to building your stamina back to uterus breaking level
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
Fucked him in his sketchy van in the Applebee's parking lot. In other news, my dry spell is over.
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
dude where did you go last night?
when the tequila says to run, you start running.
He wanted me to do the rubix cube. He thought it was hot.
Randomize
