One of my boys faked an orgasm while fucking a girl tonite, w/ out wearing a condom mind you.
She caught him, and immediately put her clothes on and left.
for our anniversary he stepped it up a notch and bought cool whip rather than the store brand. i was impressed.
Sunscreen. In my vag. I hate summer sex.
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
Satisfying Perfect Camera Moments
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
So I feel like I should feel objectified by your comment about my boobs but instead I just feel proud. 21ST CENTURY FEMINISM, BABY
I only listened to his story about leaving the Amish community because I was hoping for a free drink
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
This is why you are going on a date. To see if he is fun or if we need to shank him in the parking lot.
This Dog Travel Carrier is a Must
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
Homeboy just asked me to strip for him. He should not be this horny and allowed to be in Vegas with his kid.
I just told 2 of my vibrators "I love you." I seriously need some dick.
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her