why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
I would have rather watched a full length video of myself masturbating than heard that.
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Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
I'll still trying to understand the context of your "punch her with my cock" comment.
I hope there's a soldier with a Bedazzler just going to town right now.
Someone just got kicked out of the mall for being dressed like a giant cat. I feel like this is in your future.
I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
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If I had cancer, and got to make a wish, id make the organization force your dad to fuck me.
I legitimately thought I was gonna die getting finger banged to ja rule in the back of your car last night.
Can I interview you during sex or would that be weird?
Today is my 3 year wedding anniversary...and I've seen three different dicks.
So you're mad that I let you go home with the guy with soft hands but yet you can't understand that I was just trying to help you
Hold me and let me compliment your butt