i need to find a notary that isn't going to turn me in for blatantly lying to the us and chilean governments
Its bad when you wake up with a penis drawn on your face. Its worse when you find out its traced..
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
I finally got out of bed at 8:30pm and my little brother informed me that I had cereal stuck to my back. I'm going to smoke a cigarette and go back to sleep.
how do you not remember that?! you winked at the bouncer and then proceeded to grind on him while chugging a beer. i don't know if i should be proud or embarrassed to be your friend
So heartbroken my rebound has a rebound
I just rode a horse than walked onto my property in boarshorts, flip flops, and holding a 40. What do I win?
All I know is I drank too much, danced too little.. yet somehow woke up on the floor in the arms of some cowboy.
Seriously just told the plant the cheese Pringles are mine.
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
I just need you to appreciate that this is the first time I've ever been cut off and it's at an airport bar in Philly before 1 o'clock in the afternoon.
You can accomplish quite a bit with a can do attitude and a well placed ice cube.
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
I'm sitting in the car vaping at an elementary school to try and deal with the stress of existing. About how i thought being 30 would go for me tbh
Randomize
