Id settle for living inside the pirates of the carribean ride.
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
so i was just informed that i sang that song "pop that pussy ayyy pop that pussy" at the halloween party saturday. iembarrassing.
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
I need a DD tuesday morning around 9 AM
I'm scared to ask why.....
1st bikini wax. Jose Cuervo is helping me prepare.
She paints her nails the color of the sheets of the last guy she slept with
Dude. That is just waaaay to much random to process after that tequila battle.
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
It's fine. I wouldn't trust either of them to be my workplace drug buddy.
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
Showed up to family party blacked out and in a turkey costume. I'd say thanksgiving was a success.
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
7% of guys ive been with can get me off... I did the math!
I mean I've only met the girl once and she was trying to slit some guys tires.
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
Randomize
