I fink we're distracting them from bumping the proverbial uglies
I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
They had miseltoe over the keg.... thats cheating
come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
you covered his dog in toothpaste. safe to say hes not gonna call you.
I ate goldfish off your shoulder, I think we had bigger issues
First of all, I don't like eggnog. Second of all too much rum is all bad. And thirdly I'm not there to sit in your lap and pretend you are Santa and I've been a bad girl.
This little shit keeps eating the playdoh so i replaced the green with wasabi from work. Wonder what his parents are gonna think when he burns his soft palette?
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
I just climbed out the passenger side of my car because there was a spider on mine. I'm doing adulthood right
I just woke up ass naked on top of all my sheets, with no blinds in my room because i used them as togas, my back is killing me, im covered in sharpie, i have no memory of last night, and im pretty sure im still drunk. I consider the night a success
i just realized I haven't been laid all summer. So sad. What a waste of a perfectly good vagina.
If you're going to be single forever, you should try the quesalupas at Taco Bell.
After he finished he laid there and told me how much work that just was. I looked at him and told him not to ruin a good thing by opening his mouth.
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