i just google searched 'can you pop your ovary'
i am only reminding you that showing off your fellatio skills on vegetables is probably not an appropriate party trick
I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
oh wow I have been there. Hell one time Matt and I woke up naked with pizza rolls in the bed.
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
I was wondering why he was in my phone as "Cat Guy", he seemed pretty normal. Then when we woke up he was wearing a shirt with a picture of his cat on it. The name stays.
UPDATE: IM NOT A TEEN MOM LETS GO PARTY
Finally get to put my practical writing degree to use! I'm writing a craigslist ad for a threesome
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
he was really really nice, and I did coke off of his dong that night too
What did you delete my number or something
Oh honey. What makes you think I saved in in the first place?
Randomize
