i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.
This creepy guy was following me and i hid in the bushes. i could say i was high as an excuse but honestly it was straight up fun.
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
We boned on a bench in a park, french people were walking by cheering us on. Totally acceptable
My life has become one weird ass game. No one wins. No one loses. We all just kind of hang in limbo and hope we don't die. Eskimo sisters for life. Please have sex with one of them.
He straight up just had me drive all the way here and when I got here he was drinking a cup of tea and right after said he needed to go to bed
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
I'm not allowed to have sex with him again. My vagina joined in on the protest. There was a petition. All my body parts signed it.
I can't remember if I puked before or after the shots of absinthe. Or why I thought shots of absinthe was a good idea.
You humped everything and cried in an uber.
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
That guy u hooked me up with kept calling me james while were doing it...
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