Everyone just saw your hickey on TV and on the jumbotron at the hockey game.
Thanks dad.
Do brothers usually kiss their sisters?
Zach says you can't see his penis until after we're married...not sure why?! Bt then he said he thinks maybe you already have on the wild animal night!
I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
I feel like I had eight dicks in my mouth
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
I think your high point was when the quesadilla was in your mouth and you were screaming "I can't chew!" and the Taco Bell guy just kinda stared at you like he wanted to strangle.
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
My sheer presence has sent the hipsters running in terror. I expect no problems.
I have finally found someone I enjoy for reasons that do not necessarily include his dick
Never drinking before a 6am train again. Just threw up at boarder control and had to pretend it was cause I was pregnant and not cause I trashed.
You make Europe seem so glamorous.
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