you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
We name dropped you at the liquor store and got a ten percent discount!
Is it possible to dent your eyeball? And how do you "accidentally" go cosmic bowling?
Looking forward to meeting the person naked and passed out at my kitchen table.
Exactly, there's no such thing as commitment at foam n' glow
it's finals week and we've been blasting country porch drinkin since 10AM. there's been like 4 tweets about hearin us on the other side of campus
It was weird, because he kept shaking his head like he was motorboating me...but on my vagina.
Yes she was blowing me but I couldnt see her face. The only light was from the sparklers she asked me to hold. I love 4th of July.
What was the point of renting a $600 trolley if no one even remembers going to the first bar?
Well I either feel like the fat girl or very accomplished because his bed is now broken in three places
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
Please don't finger me like a jackhammer. I'm a woman not a construction site.
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
Randomize
