The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
please come get me his dick is out. i'm sitting on his couch and his dick is out. come now
we just did breakfast shots, I have a black eye and savage garden is on . Best weekend ever
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
You can't have your penis and eat it, too.
I don't think I'd trust a marching band with trampolines to not cause serious damage to themselves/ property.
But apparently I got kicked in the head by a stripper at some point
She sucked my dick and I swear I almost had to send a search party into her mouth to find it. IT WAS THAT AMAZING.
Lab coat again saves the day - hiding embarrassing shart evidence...
Whatever. I am not explaining the physics of my dick slapping.
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
I can't. I'm going camping this weekend. I do have a life outside of your dick.
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
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