Ducking stuck downtown...all the fuxkig roads are blixkded
Can we progress our friendship to a point where i'm at least granted a blowjob allowance?
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
I just discovered the Reese's pieces and sourdough bread sandwich. No signs of coming down.
Ja rule starts his prison sentence today #3475th reason we should drink tonight
No. He burped at a 3 year old, roared at him and proceeded to scream at the kid's parents to watch their child. The manager of Olive Garden was on our side.
It's hard to take you serious when you're crying your eyes out wearing an adult sized onesie.
Sorry about giving you those ripped gym shorts after my dog ate your pants, but after the awkard BJ incident I didn't plan on hearing from you again
Currently getting "blaow" buzzed into my pubes. How's your thursday?
I just put fruit snacks in my sangria instead of real fruit. Its like freshman year all over again..
We couldn't afford sangria freshman year. We're lucky we had fruit snacks..
At one point he was so drunk he was carrying around a bottle of patron drinking out of it and falling everywhere and every time he spilled it he would scream "THERE GOES TWENTY DOLLARS."
Seriously-without actually meaning the statement for it's words- that made me want to put a baby in you.
Thank you for caring about my cervix.
Just spilled a coffee mug full of scolding hot oatmeal on my bare dick. Hope you're having a good Friday night too.
It's a sad night when one of your friend texts you that she's going on a date with someone you know and then invites you to maybe have a drink after