How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
I'm cleaning the house. And I can't stop listening to Enrique Iglesias. Am I gay?
I even have the new album if that helps you make a decision.
Going to eat lunch. Bunch of people in church clothes, and we are hungover, wearing pajamas, and in real danger of puking on the floor. We're about to destroy the ambience of this joint.
the new roommate knocked on my door this morning holding a bong in one hand and my dennys leftovers from last night in the other. love this kid. Best student housing placement ever.
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HOnestly. That's my one goal for this whole trip. I don't give a shit about souvenirs or sand. I want penis.
Um, so I couldn't say it in person, but if you find my underwear in your office. Sorry. I couldn't find them, so yea.
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
he fell down during beer pong and the chick told him to rub the sand out of his pussy and suck it up. i am in love
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
have i crossed some slutty boundary when gay guys are sending me cock pics?
if I'm at school tomorrow just indulge my moment of pity and let me cry on your shoulder
I am incapable of maintaining a guy's interest in me. It's like erectile dysfunction but with feelings
He licked my mouth. I felt like I was making out with my dog.
I should get him a card "thanks for letting me use you for your penis on and off as I see fit and for being a nice guy. My boobs and I appreciate your loyalty and dedication"
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