textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
so i did it. i barked while i was ejaculating. not a word was said by either of us afterwards.
so how much did i say i owed you?
$5 and a new fuck buddy.
it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
The guy i fucked last week got done first on the test in my 900 person class. If im pregnant at least it will be smart.
i go for whatevers easier....i'm bisexual strictly due to the convenience factor
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
I think I'm going to go into my next therapy session with hot client with my fly down and when he tells me about it I'm going to say "how did that happen?!" and then porn music will start to play.
Never thought I would be taunted by little kids about my walk of shame
When our dicks touched he made a lightsaber noise.
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
I volunteer to be the person who breaks into the room and runs around naked and has to be escorted out by police.
I woke up uncovered, spread eagled to my dad saying "you really need to stop sleeping naked."
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
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