im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
don't go back without me... they'll know i'm pooping.
is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
Oh i know my limit. 9 shots after i've given blood.
She just cut the six pack plastic up and screamed "save the dolphins"..she also threw away cans of tuna. I like this girl.
SHE GRABBED MY FULLY ERECT DICK IN A BAR AND STUCK HER TONGUE DOWN MY THROAT AND I COULD NOT CLOSE
YOHYFONSO!! YOU ONLY HAVE YOUR FIRST ONE NIGHT STAND ONCE!!
Youre not supposed to get arrested if your parents fly you home for christmas!
True but this has the bonus of them maybe not wanting to fly me home next year, im good with that didnt wanna go in the first place.
why can't I meet attractive men at the places I like to hang out? like books a million. or the liquor store.
I warned you. Don't come crying to me when your vagina refuses to forgive you for this.
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.