I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
He went down on me and then slapped my ass saying "thanks for the confidence boost"... is this all I'm good for?
you made them have somersault races with you thru the lobby..
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I remember pointing out how smooth my legs were to try to direct his attention away from my vagina.
after last night my drinking related hospital bracelet collection is up to 13
Made dad pull of the highway twice on the way home so I could puke. Yeah i'd say we ended the semester well.
Go big or go home. i snuck in two beers in my bra. im here to win.
I'm pretty sure I got a cavity today due to how many times I've puked hungover at work.
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Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
Don't do shots out of Tostitos scoops.
They put me in room 420 every time and I take bubble baths and smoke in the room and they bring food TO MY BED
it's like my ID runs away from me when it knows it's time for me to drink
You said if the geese can walk on the lake so can I.