you're kinda like the weird girl from The Breakfast Club after the makeover. i mean you're pretty, but you're still weird as fuck
my ass has officially been on the floor of every fraternity on this campus
and who said we didn't have goals?
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
My goal is to upperdeck the house I'm at, because it's some girl I don't know's birthday. Welcome to adulthood, bitch.
Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
Keywords: shitstorm, police, jail.
Is that a question you really want to ask or do you just want to tell you that I can't walk without feeling like my legs are collapsing underneath me
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
Ok. You have started something that can only end with a picture of the inside of my butthole. It may happen today or next year, but it's on my agenda.
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
Quickly hiding the condom wrappers, ropes, and handcuffs right before the parents arrive to help with moving out? Priceless.
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
Note to self, the correct response when a guy tells you he likes you as a person is not "ew"