but his dog just died...ill send him an edible arrangement or a 6 pack or something
My own mom unfriended me on Facebook.
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
Oh my god please beg your father to turn the car around so you can possibly get laid by a knight at medieval times.
She was mid-sentence and then BOOM the hammock broke off the tree. I about pissed myself. Hot Sprite and Vodka make the world go round.
Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night
Can you bring me a corn dog or something shaped like one?
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
Dunno. My heart says "no", my brain says "maybe" and my dick says "YES YES FOR THE LOVE OF GOD YES!!"
I am seriously only coming over if there are McNuggets. I want 10 bitch. Honey mustard.
you just have the mind of an innocent, non-tainted child.
YOU KNOW THAT'S BULLSHIT BECAUSE YOU'RE THE REASON IT'S BULLSHIT
I can't tell if my heart is fluttering because I love him... or if it's palpitating from all the coke.
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
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