So guy #2, the dancer, is programmed into my phone under the name H.uy. His number- 11 digits. I should have stopped drinking.
I've never watched DWTS before, but this show's got Pamela Anderson, Erin Andrews and Brooke Burke: 3 of my top 10 all time most masturbated to women.
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
He brought me breakfast in bed after our one night stand. Beer and Cheerios I may come back to this place
Debating going to the grocery store with my vibrator still in, cause I can't stand the idea of it out. Lets do some risk/reward
Would it be weird to jack off in the hospital?
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
Came home from this girls horse at 6am to find a guy lighting off roman candles in front of my door. Best walk of fame I've ever had.
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
Just smoked the bong while taking a dump. I love living by myself.
I'm in his bed with no pants on and he's just eating a sloppy joe
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
Uess honpr I rememebrt hEzS cuter
You'll have to translate that into sober in the morning.
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