Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
I just remember standing in the shower with you eating chips.
I told you it's awful. It looks like he was eating honey at a barbershop and tripped.
apparently i found nail polish and started playing a game i made up called "paint a nail, do a shot"
I just hotboxed my laundry basket.
And your hair- I'd make sure to pee on it first.
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
I want a burrito.
Truly, you are the voice of a generation.
When someone comes out of your vagina and stomps on your dreams, you'll understand.
I can never go back to Jacksonville. We think I may have punched a child in the face while on acid...
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
Yeah he told me he wanted a serious relationship, but he's posting pictures of his dick on Kik.
A boy just offered to come over and help me clean my house. I hope you are more successful than he will be tonight.
last night I used snow as a chaser
Dude, you fell into a tree, and both of the tables, AND the window well... Resilient aren't you?
Randomize
