Yeah but if I do that, I'd have to buy my own stomach pump for the house. That doesn't seem like a great thing to have sitting on the coffee table.
I noticed when you had too much when you were yelling "HOE-HAVE-A-SEAT" to his cat.
You kept asking who was the good cop and who was the bad cop, you said you only wanted to talk to the good one
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
The fact that I pulled something plastic out of my mouth after taking that shot is starting to concern me.
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
I got my dick out in a gay bar for just one free shot. I didn't know I could be bought so cheap
Talking to him sober hurts my brain
Can I just lay in bed and you pour vodka through a funnel in my mouth?
I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
Just shared a bacon biscuit with my cat.... Life is weird for me right now
Did my dad just see you doing a walk of shame?
Yup I waved.
I'm sober now, I ate a whole cantaloupe.
Randomize
