best part he said "i like your tattoo" as he walked into the room, stood right there looking at me, naked on top of his friend
I am like the Mr. Miyagi of queefs.
at first I thought it was funny, but looking at it now, it screams "dramatic" and "medicated wipes."
His appology was" look at it this way, at least you'll give better head without those teeth.'
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
There's gotta be a happy medium between the guys who only want to sleep with me and the ones that respect me too much to try to sleep with me.
I yelled kanye while he was fucking me. It just felt right
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
You rubbed a frozen pizza in my face. The concerning part was that it was semi cooked from our body heat
He keeps asking the karaoke guy to play let it go from frozen so he can sing it in a falsetto
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
She used to be cute, back when we were young.
Oh well, so were platform jellies. Shit changes.
i told someone my fallback plan was to be a slutty bartender and i needed the practice as i straddled them to pour a shot
My feet surprised me
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