he suggested i make a website called "cum on molly's face", to "start off my acting career"
He sent me a Microsoft outlook meeting request to blow him in the storage room at work. I had to accept.
It was just like old times except for going to hangover throw up before waking my parents up to open presents. Merry Christmas!
She saves ONE person's life while blacked out and now she's positive anything can be done "while fucking hammered"
I had to explain the gravity bong to my mom. Right after she pointed out I have a lot of dicks on my floor at any given moment.
Uh yeah can we get an age of consent check on Dave's penis?
Age of consent, Dave's penis. Thank you...
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
When you and that girl went into the bedroom, you yelled "FOR NARNIA!"
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
my poor anus
I think I've done enough damage with my vagina as of late, thank you
Lmao a dude who just got out of prison said im worth 10 cigarettes in prison...I think that's a compliment
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
I'm pretty sure I have PMS because I almost just cried about not being able to find a place that gives acrobat classes here.
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
Randomize
