I just got stood up by an 18 yr old. fmylife.
I wish that guy wasn't missing teeth
Are you seriously drinking already? It's 11AM. Still morning.
I'm going by McDonald's time. And since they stop serving breakfast at 10:30 and start serving lunch, it is now afternoon.
Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
We already established this. No, he did not cum on the dog.
I woke up in her bed, she woke up in mine. Apparently there was a miscommunication after the 8th jager bomb.
I never appreciated sexting until I went to rehab
He drank his beer out of his own shoe. Its his "party trick"
If I win the contest of drinking the most water I get a chicken nugget.
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
is it bad that there is a girl in my bed right now and the only thing i can think about is the fect that its after 3am which means i cant order jimmyjohns unitll tomorrow?
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
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