Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
Explain to me how it was that you spent the entire night playing pool with three lesbians and did not get a foursome out of it.
Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
It's like we come as a package. Your slogan should be "be in my family, sleep with my roommate."
My slogan can be "bonding the family together. One dick at a time."
Would I be bad if I bought a pregnancy test at shoppers the same time I hand in a resume? Or do you think it would get me the job?
When did I go from having sugar daddies to being one? And does it count as a tax write off?
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
Just smoked pot with a guy who has apparently been living in the woods for over a month. He just walked out of the woods. This is not real life.
Apparently I still called the officer "sir" despite the fact I was at a .21 BAC. Southern girls are raised right
9 am booty call on your ex's birthday. Fuck yea
But I put cranberries and apples in my wine so it's festive drinking not suicidal drinking
It will pretty much be equal to the feeling I had when you let me hold your dick while you were peeing, or when I graduated high school!
I was legit late to work one day Bc it took me so long to get a good nude
I left the party 20 min ago..just thought i would tell you so you wouldnt think i fell in the lake again
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
Randomize
