I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
big game today.. looking forward to seeing that magic win, and then i will celebrate with a nude dip in lake Eola.. anyone else in??
My vagina is in bus station locker number 1465.You can go talk to it if u like -in the mean time I’m going 2show up drunk and embarrass u at work.
i'm getting the "you hooked up with my friends" speech from him. i'm returning with the "gotta keep my quota up" speech
My dick is covered in produce stickers. I suspect you
Dude, Taco Bell gave me a free fiesta potatoes when I won a bet on wether I could fit the entire rim of a cup in my mouth.
I feel like all of the victims from Seven. Best birthday weekend ever.
Dude, chad is laying across the room, violently, passionately, pornographicly eating something and I seriously think the 'some thing' is fighting back.
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
I danced my ass off after the funeral last night. Kept dropping it low and I can feel it in my legs today. Im like shit I needa go work out
What a way to honor the dead
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
He took home that trashy slut from Bama but a NFL Lineman was just in my DMs so... who’s the real winner here
I just found a contact in my phone named "Nick from The Party". Who's nick?
I suppose writing him up is more professional than keying his car.
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
Randomize
