She is in my trunk
It was so romantic--he turned me around to face the sunset during doggy-style over the couch back.
Just made a pepperoni sandwich with cheese, mayo, and pickles. Poverty is like pot, without the happy feeling.
We're going to play a drinking game. It's called "Senior Year of College."
Meet me at the corner of "what the fuck" and"how'd you get in my bed" in 10 minutes.
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
Lets just say I chased with a burrito.
I wish there were birth control emojis
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
I think you just have to raise your bang age from 40 to 50, hope dust doesn't fly out and make her say tony danza
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
Wait I can't come yet Mr. Brightside is playing
ok i defs just took my shirt off in the middle of a frat party though so keep me updated
UGH I HATE BEING THIS WAY IM GOING TO GO HUG THE CACTUS YOU GOT ME
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
I'm floating on a rainbow and a purple elf is giving me advice. COME NOW!!!
Randomize
