THE most awkward situation I have EVER been in
Also, I just threw up a little in my mouth and had to act like everything was totally fine.
Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
and then they started calling me 'Shitshow Shandra', which apparently i took as a compliment.
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
as of this morning I have officially vommed on the highways of 6 different countries. It's a proud moment.
I got home and laid by the toilet and then alexa laid in the bathtub and sang the preamble while kayla held my hair
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
Oh yeah. I pretty much fucked the universes brains out lastnight. It was glorious.
oh my god you are days, if not hours away from a dick pic. This is the day the lord has made rejoice and be glad in it
Your liver needs more exercise - we start training tonight.
Randomize
