and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
just bought a $25 eighth from a chick who has a kid. i'm helping my community out right?
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
I mean, once you get beat with a dildo you can't look at someone the same
I think I just got a contact from my own exhale. Def dying.
My mom just admitted you were a good looking kid & if you weren't my friend & 30 years older she would do you. I'm going to commit suicide.
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
She gave us all a pep talk at the bus stop at 1 AM. It involved cupcakes and somehow ended with her making out with her best friend. God bless college.
Do you want the fat one with an ok face or the skinny ugly one?
It doesn't matter as long as our shame is in tandem.
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
Like he and the nurses kept being so persistent with it and I just wanted to run out of there in my backless gown and yell FUCK OFF BITCHES IM OUT
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
Sitting in a waiting room with 15 children has me contemplating if I ever want to have sex again...
Yeah. We had phone sex then cried together, it was beautiful and heartbreaking
I'm a peeled potato compared to her. I'm a peeled potato compared to anyone. I'm a peeled potato.
Are you high?
Randomize
