i mistaked the back of her knee for her vagina
positive spin of the day: since my nose is blocked from allergies cleaning the puke this morning was much easier
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
THERE IS PRACTICALLY A BEER FUCKING WATERFALL
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
As added birth control I warned him that if he knocked me up tonight I would name the baby Truck.
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
There was a group of girls next to us. One was smiling at me. I only remember walking up and saying "oh you're Russian". Not sure where it went from there
Ahh, 151. Think of it this way: it took one shot to get you buzzed, I took eight. I may or may not have broken a tv with my skull that night and met someone's parents naked and hungover the next morning.
dude ur drinkin a beer not ta capri sun. lose the straw
Your boobs stole my birthday thunder!
He started praying immediately after we hooked up, condom on and everything.
i showed up really high and was trying to not be,so in order to not seem high, i got plastered
She woke up with her hand super glued to the fridge....how the hell am I Supposed to get her off??
I’m literally naked drinking a beer and I gotta leave in 6 minutes for work lol
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