If you could channel this insane talent for stalking you'd be a great weapon for this country. If you had a crush on Bin Ladin, guaranteed he'd be found, monitered and tagged within five days.
He said he got laid, but you and i both know he was too high to leave his house.
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
Dear god. Please. Please do NOT deprive yourself of dick for 90 days. Blood will spill. Wolverines will howl. I can't handle that kind of terror.
you start one little fire by the lake and the police want to talk to you all night...
As much as I enjoyed playing drunk half naked twister and talking about my daddy issues last time, I'll have to pass.
I left my parents and ran through the airport. I was like I'm not getting stuck in Atlanta tonight and not having sex.
Do you ever get so high you're like vibrating
I'm torn between regretting everything and regretting nothing.
These last few days with George, grandma, and now Carrie all dying have been pushing me further and further into rum's sweet embrace.
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
During my first week as an adjunct prof, I played a fiercely fought game of squash with a law student and we wound up having hot, sweaty, angry sex right on the floor of the court. She is either the best or worst thing to happen to my academic career. Will let you know.
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
OMG OMG OMG I just throwed up in his pillow case when he wentto start the sho wer, time to grab my bra and bounce!!!
Wow.
Randomize
