All I know is it had something to do with a plunger and tuna salad. I'm done. I'm quitting my job.
I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
Her parties are sponsored by Valtrex. This might not be your best idea.
No teenage boy ever gets scared away from sex unless she is slipping a wedding ring on your finger or is killing your cat. I promise.
I miss you too. And it was nice meeting your brother while I was mounting you
we told the drug dealer that our car was dead and we needed a jump so he would bring the drugs to us...
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
Did you catch one of my beer pong balls in your cleavage or was that a dream?
Dunno. My heart says "no", my brain says "maybe" and my dick says "YES YES FOR THE LOVE OF GOD YES!!"
Is "You've never made me cum." an acceptable breakup line?
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
so hungover i had to get off the train to puke, rallied and went to work. not sure if that's an adulting win or fail
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
I just found a baklava I forgot I got last night so we can call it a day
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