census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you
My cat gives me a boner
Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
I just puked in the mop bucket at work. I think I need to go home.
He came on me while singing crank dat like soulja boy, fuck our sex life has reached a whole new level of low
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
I had to ask him for the scissors while I was in the shower. My hood piercing was stuck in my loofah.
It's official. 2011 is the year of sport fucking
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
if the future wants me to fuck him, then i guss i have to
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
What are you doing? Because if it happens to be drinking, or even any activity that rhymes with "drinking", I'll be over in 5.
I'm not entirely sure what happened last night, but I think I dislocated my kneecap during an epic Mario Kart battle...
You dove at him but passed out mid dive. Shame it wasnt a costume party your superman suit wouldve been clutch in the situation
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
Randomize
