I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
hooking up with my manager sounds like an even better idea while i'm sober.
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
I owe you a thank you for last night. Only you could go up to a guy, ask if he likes my boobs, and return later to find us in a full on dance floor makeout sesh. Well played.
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
please tell me we weren't that bad as freshmen
i can't, we're worse now
He whispered "Are you feeling it now Mr. Krabs?" when he was inside me. That is NOT my fetish.
So what you're saying is that The Magic Kingdom is ruining our plans to get laid?
I'm fine w planning around your penis prospecting. Saturday it is.
I didn't want dick. I wanted spaghetti.
you were shouting "me peeing on him is the closest he'll EVER get to my vagina!"
After he came, he took a two minute power nap and then fucked me for another 45 minutes. He is a machine!
The strippers who live across the street set up a decently professional stage on their front balcony and a banner for a go fund me... I think we're gonna get a show.
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