I'm not high anymore, I decide when it's done.
When you're about to leave, tell him "bye." At that point, he should say something. If he doesn't say anything, well, our drinks were free and he gets a free make out with yours truly.
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
I just feel like a little gay dolphin in a massive sea
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
I smoked that joint really fast and now I'm so high I'm crawling around on all 4 giving my dogs piggie back rides pretending its the macy day parade for dogs and I'm their giant human float.
because of daylight savings time I lost an hour of sex with an incredibly hot guy last night. thanks a lot farmers.
OMG I COULD FUCK HIM FOR POT, THIS CHANGES THE WHOLE GAME.
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
I woke up with masking tape on my nipples this morning........... WHY DO BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE
After we had sex he gave me a thumbs up... fucking A&M Aggies, man
If work found out I was using THEIR paper to write Karate Kid fanfic I'd never hear the end of it.
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