All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
she was so ugly that the sight of her made me shiver and then i had to play it off like a draft blew by that only i felt.
When she showed me how she could touch her toes without bending her knees, suddenly her face didn't worry me quite as much.
Srsly this has gone to far. Just broke my nose on the toilet. College bars.
I went up to get a drink from the hotel room. And ended up getting arrested in the lobby. Spring break has not been forgiving this year.
Ha ha. You should see the things I'm doing to my body at Bob Evans.
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
Oh and I ate all of your Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Consider it part of your reparation payment for accidental anal insertion. I may continue to collect payments until I am no longer sore.
He was dressed up as Jesus and had vodka in one hand while he was blessing everyone and splashing them with holy water in the bathroom.
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
I broke her handcuffs. I feel like an animal.
Woke up eating a pickle on the bathroom floor this morning in some random guys sweat pants.
I never thought it would be so hard to find a power hour partner at 2 on a Wednesday
I just got his Save the Dave and, to answer your next question, NO I AM NOT GOING TO THE WEDDING OF THE GUY WHO GOT DRUNK AND CAME ON MY CHEST.
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
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