I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
I think I'd rather ejaculate tabasco. You'd have to scrape out guacamole.
the weed was in a baggy that had little penguins on it. i am so excited you have no idea
"Whiskey Cheerios" was a terribly great idea.
Guys with integrity exist just to rain on my slut parade.
I tried to interpretive dance to Candy Shop to stop the awkwardness.
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
Things were easy when he was just a penis. Now he's a penis with feelings.
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
Also I've come to learn that "type" and "fetish" are different things. Apologies for earlier confusion.
He said he actually "met" me for the first time through a picture his housemate had of me, drunk and passed out in a pool of my own vomit, on the floor of his basement.
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
What is my life coming to that I have to cross state lines to get laid?
Meh, all I have to do tomorrow is proctor an AP test. No loud noises and no physical activity allowed for almost 4 hours. Sounds like the perfect recovery period for a hangover.
Did you get your nipples pierced? I felt something poking through my shirt earlier and I really didn't want to say anything in front of your grandma...
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