Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
I just high-fived this girl after she swallowed.
If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
i find it simply astounding you spelled drunken wrong but pterodactyl right
I think we need to find a happy medium between fried food and dicks. This could end badly.
i can't sleep with him. he has a scrapbook from the girl he lost his virginity to.
Get dressed, I have 50$ and you need a new beer pong table since we threw yours off the 8th floor last night.
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
I warned you. Don't come crying to me when your vagina refuses to forgive you for this.
3 2 1 whiskey
I told him I was studying his body for art, so now I have to actually do a drawing of him to not look like a creep and so we can hook up again.
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
so he'll eat food out of a dumpster but he won't lick your ass?
Randomize
