Oh yes. The girl who wanted me to watch her pee.
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
I have Retrograde Ejaculation as a side effect from one of my meds. Is this a respectable form of birth control?
I hid drinks in her bathroom closet.... like a squirrel... a squirrel who knew she was going to get cut off soon
He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
Isn't it my whole life blown into this perfect spoon shaped piece of melted and artificially colored sand?
Wow.
I have the WORST hangover. Pretty sure my liver fell out while taking a dump. THAT bad.
Would you think less of me if I were eating pizza on the toilet right now?
Not gonna lie I just got drunk and started doing applications because I know I'm going into work tomorrow still drunk
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
Good news! Blood’s flowing!
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
I know you want to take a pregnancy test, but could you wait until Sunday so it doesn't ruin our weekend
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