Woke up wearing just a scarf, the holidays are definetly here
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
they told you the "weed man" wouldn't come until you were asleep, like santa claus. you believed it.
I just took the soap out of the bathroom and hid it... this way I could see if she would say anything. you know, to see how clean she was
did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
After 12 shots he decided to show us knife tricks. You can figure out how it ended
nope im down the street in my car watching the front of her house. its actually less creepy than it sounds
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
She peed in the limo. She stood up and pulled up her dress and peed on the floor of the limo.
Why yes actually, getting stoned and reading an AARP magazine IS totally where I wanted my night to end!
I get off at the next exit which doesn't have a shoulder, a guy is riding my ass so I cant stop. I think I got as much puke on his car as on mine.
Its fiiine, tuesday is like the thursday of wine wednesday. And i mean, free beer for girls at the grove...im not NOT gonna take that offer up!
Look at your life. Look at your choices.
WHY DO I WANT TO FUCK EVERY GUY THAT BREATHES
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