8:17pm: So, How was fun day?
1:15am: So I just woke up in my bed in my bathing suit... I don't remember getting into bed or dinner or anything after slip n slide that happened around five... I'd say fun day was a success
batman just walked across the sidewalk
lay off the drugs
no for real he was wearing a cape
Even though ive seen her get fisted by another girl at a party, shes still a doctor.
You may or may not of thrown up on your shoes, and you tried to give me a wet willy in my eye.
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?
Judging by your snapchat you're totally working on your project and definitely not singing, "The Sign" while shirtless with another man.
Please come quick there are people in suits here judging me
Hey! Where are you? It's Irrisponsible Patio time and you're not here firing shots down summer student's throats
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
he taught all the little kids to ski. it was stupid hot. i'm pretty sure my ovaries exploded.
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
That’s the third time this month he’s hooked up with a girl by telling her it’s his bachelor party, and he’s not even dating a chick let alone engaged.
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