Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
How many 'remember name' entries is it inappropriate to have in one's cell phone?
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
dunno man, last I saw him he bet me he could eat more ranch the me, then ran off
she said "i got this" and then fell on her face. within grabbing distance of the wall and her boyfriend
I think I explained what happened in the voicemail. But I think I might have just cried and ranted about how cool osiris shoes are
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
I get hit on by the prison guards every time i go to see him. Seriously.
I dunno if you guys are having weird sex or a most accurate bird sound contest but either way stop doin it
Landen experienced Greenville for the first time last night. He was awaken by 2 cops and 4 EMS guys this morning in the bed of that truck that is for sale at the swashbuckler carwash, said he was trying to walk to waffle house... Greenville- 1, Landen- 0
Shia LaBeouf arrested in austin for public intoxication. JUST DO IT
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
But did u die
I found an onion in my purse
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
The guy I made out with the other night fed me chipotle favored funions and I thought it was true love when I was drunk.
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