If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
She said if it slipped out one more time she was going to duct tape it in her vagina
I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
she was giving me head and that cheryl crow 'youre favorite mistake' song came on. she looks up and all i could do was nod
That weatherman I hooked up with is on TV again
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
Somehow I gave him blood blisters on his dick...I don't know if I'm that good or that bad.
You're barking up the wrong lesbian.
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
Your cat is quite the conversationalist after some tequila and shrooms
the upside of dating someone over 21: he can buy me a pregnancy test AND a bottle of wine when he goes to cvs for me
the bride at the wedding we just crashed said we can stay only if we strip for her. You need to get down here
I went to a community college and majored in Bad Decisions. I'm not exactly a chick magnet.
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
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