I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
One night stand. Woke up at her dad's house. She already left for work. Shit's about to go down.
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
Shame tastes like burnetts and latex
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
I DON'T WANT TO KNOW THE SCIENTIFIC REASONING BEHIND WHY I STARTED A HAREM ESPECIALLY NOT FROM A GUY IN THE HAREM!
I convinced a girl making out is a secret handshake
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
On the way to have sex with my ex's roommate... I have hit a new low
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
Randomize
