I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
we played lady & the tramp with a hash brown from McDonald's....im in love.
i dont think my parents would of encouraged me to save years of birthday money if they knew what i would eventually spend it on
Maybe my heart is located in my vagina
We had to introduce ourselves in ethics class. This guy stood up said I'm mark, I love sluts and Jack. Then just sat back down. Hero status.
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
mate, my mother watched me threw up out of my nose wearing only a g-string.
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
you strike me as the kind of person who when they spill something on their lap they take off their pants and eat it anyways. right off the crotch seam.
someone needs to name a hurricane after you
I smoked a joint in the bathtub at 8 am then went back to bed
Literally had sex in his grow room under a plant.. ganja queen .
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
Randomize
