the australian girl literally just drank an entire pitcher of beer in about twenty seconds. i want to go to there.
My costume is made up of 4 inch heels and a firefighter costume I'm borrowing from the dramatic play area of my Pre-K classroom. I told you I could still be slutty on a teacher's salary.
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
Her pussy was so beautiful. That's what I'LL miss the most. Not the omelets. You're the roommate, obviously our priorities on this situation are vastly different.
remember our old mantra: why can't life be as easy as we are?
im currently assessing the tequila situation in preparation of your arrival
I started blowing him in North Dakota, and I finished the job in Minnesota. Oh, the places road head can take you.
She pretty much spent NYE measuring dicks, trying to decide which one to take home.
One of my life goals was never to see an uncircumcised dick. I guess that's out the window now.
I was going to text you that earlier, but I felt like before 10 was probably to early to bring up boners
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
Some days you ride the struggle bus. Other days, it gets a flat, the AC breaks, and you run over a bunny.
Why is there never any toilet paper at his apartment? What does he wipe his ass with? WHAT DOES HE WIPE IT WITH?!?
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
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