So the D.A.R.E. essay I helped my tutor kid write won an award. Oh the irony.
I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point
She had to put it in. I told her I was too drunk and didnt trust myself to not put it in her ass.
Sending me a thank you card for letting you fuck my sister was completely inappropriate
I could end up kidnapped. Or worse, the night will be really awkward.
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
Until you wake up with a Hustler club stripper in the next room whose nipple you were coerced to lick at Snake & Jake's after breaking up a fight between an Indian and a Filipino, I don't wanna hear about your weird.
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
I'm going to make out with someone. I'm on a mission. I don't even care if I'm wearing beer goggles. As long as he's not shorter than me, gay, or a woman.
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
It's volleyball. Just do it. You want to look sporty. Save sexy librarian for another day.
She was cute in her own little way. Shit, free taco's makes anyone hot.
“before I show up tits a blazing, what’s the sexual temperature here?“
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
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