I'm holding in my pee so that I can hear "Cowboy" in its entirety on the radio
we bought a duck. we're keeping him in our dorm room. don't ever try to tell me you've had a better freshman year than me.
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
You want anything?
Gatorade and you naked.
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
IS SOBER OCTOBER A THING?? WTF WHO ARE THESE PEOPLE?
Wow I didn't even consider the possibility of him having ED. I'm gaining so many life experiences from dating an older man
Side note. I love it when I think I've sobered up and then I get a second wind of drunk
I threw a hotdog at the security guard and called the bartender "goodlooking for a 35 year old who was rode hard and put away wet"... I would have kicked me out too
Nothing like banging your nurse in the shower while staying in the hospital
Yeah. Moral of the story: Don't mace yourself. It sucks dick.
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
Are you vicariously golddigging through me?!
she peed her pants, took them off, the put them back on. but she only put her legs in one hole.
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
Randomize
