so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
Girls don't like it when you cum inside them and then discuss baby names.
i can't believe i brushed your teeth last night. so drunk.
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
He was a bulldog and my face was like rare meat. Never again with the drunken ones.
In between when I last wrote and now have screwed a Swiss guy on a hostel bathroom floor. Okay, real life?
I wanna die of smoke inhalation. In a huge teepee. Or one of those big things kids in kindergarten have that you throw up in the air then sit inside of.
Dude. The only thing that I use less than my dick is my tennis racket. We need to play.
I was grossed out that all their candles smelled like vagina and then I remembered where my fingers had been.
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
i cant believe the cop was fine with you saying no we are in a hurry when he asked to search your car
MY TITS JUST CAUSED A CAR ACCIDENT ON THE HIGHWAY! i kid you not!! i thinl the giy is actually dead
Legit sprained my cooter. No joke. Icing her down as we speak.
She shouldn’t care what consenting adults do behind closed doors
You do realize it was her husband you were hooking up with behind that door, right?
Randomize
