I'm lost and stupid without you.
if i hurry i can finally have sex while stoned off my ass
godspeed.
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
Would you like to blur the lines between friendship and lesbianism tonight?
Disasters an understatement. Hurricane alpha chi omega hit. On my way to buy carpet cleaner, super glue, and a new liver. Be back soon.
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
I just want a teacup pet pig so I can take him to parties with me and never have to walk home alone again.
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
That's always how I imagine things at your apartment...
Good, I'm glad you don't have some weird, skewed, clothed version of reality over here.
All the drunken hookups over the last year are self destructing, at least something is keeping nursing school interesting
I added a U.S. Senator on snapchat....casual.
The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
I know I don't have feelings for him because I feel completely ashamed every time after we have sex
CyberMonday=Bulk Condom Shopping For 2018
Randomize
