hotel room ftw
last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
Tell me why Im cashing out of Walmart with Smirnoff and catfood
my mom found all the used condoms in my bed side table
whatd she say to you?
no words- put them all in a circle, put the bible in the middle
Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.
And at least you didn't have a dinner of Ranch Pringles and Double Stuff Oreos. I forgot that part of being single.
They invented the twister shot game. You put a shot on each circle, take it when you land on it, and if you fall, they funnel the mat and make you drink it. New best friends.
Hey, I didn't ask that stripper to put her unds in my mouth, it was just covered by the plus package fee I ordered.
THIS NIGHT WILL NOT GO DICKLESS
It was dark, she woke me up, gave me a blowjob and then whispered in my ear: do you know who I am?
I put chex mix in your purse for when you get hungry while doing your walk of shame tomorrow!
I wish the guy I was sleeping with wasn't on house arrest.
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
If hypothetically I needed to puke on the bus... how would I go about doing this.
Randomize
