3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
Just bought purple Ray Bans. If there was any small chance that I would ever have sex with women ever again, I just buried it.
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
I'm still trying to figure out how you came back with chinese food, and a spoon covered in icing saying 'cake..'
noooo, I woke up on his pack porch and the SUN WAS RISING. I saw red lights everywhere and heard sirens so I just ran for my life.
im trying to find a facebook picture of him that doesnt make me regret sleeping with him. its not working
I never want to hear the words 'my therapist says . . . ' while naked again.
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
hope your day is as exciting as mine- one of our trauma patients just stole an ambulance out of our bay... WITH AN EMT STILL IN IT.
I really should have gone with the man who kept offering me cocaine. Why did I chose the German!? STUPID!
So what's your itinerary for Amsterdam?
Show up, get drunk, get laid, try not to miss my flight home.
I'm sorry you're hurting. Would a picture or my erect penis help?
I love that you put so much thought and effort into your nudes
I don't send half assed nudes. Go big or go home.
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
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