Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
We just stood on the porch wondering how you managed to puke up a whole piece of bologna
You should have seen her outfit yesterday. It was like pretty woman before Richard Gere gave her money to buy a new outfit.
I've been watching anime, masturbating and eating nutella for three days. I hope she never comes back.
so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
his life revolves around getting high and answering people on yahoo answers. he's perfect for you.
There's a chance I told a cop that I was ready for him to strip I may have even taken some ones out of my purse and stuck them in his holster
Apparently I tried my hand at mustard juggling. I wasn't very good.
He got up in the middle of the show and returned with this massive ham shank, then offered me some by asking "wanna suckle on my hog." Should I be offended?
we're forecasting high levels of inebriation into the evening with dropping temperatures late at night
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
you tried to drunkinly do the backflip kick off of karate kid and broke the big screen
I am at a cat party and I just witnessed people lapping vodka out of a bowl for a contest. Lol
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
Randomize
